I felt stuck.

Stuck in my career on two sides:

1) not being interested in what my company did, not working with people I enjoyed working with, not working on technology I was excited about.

2) Not wanting to switch jobs until I finished my side projects. Increasingly losing tolerance for software engineering bullshit, namely the process and mimicry and pretending like they’re being productive instead of distracted. Not wanting the tickets, the jira, the infrastructure, the environments, the qa, the api contracts. I hated it. I hated it so much I wanted to quit but I had no more juice in me. The last time I quit a job to work on a passion project I lost a girlfriend. Life is pay to play, and I wanted to play more than I cared about getting away from all that. The best I could do is avoid it as much as possible at work. Put my blinders on and try to forget that that’s what everyone else was doing.

I had no juice. I was beaten down by what I thought was a porn & internet addiction, but I started to think maybe the antidepressant I was on wasn’t helping either. I eased into it, so I kind of forgot what it felt like off of it. But that edge in life was gone. I was lackluster, and where I usually rebelled against being a bystander to my own life, well, I just kind of did nothing. I couldn’t even date. That was the tipping point. Was it depression? Or was it whatever depression felt like when on antidepressants? Like a sort of muted confusion. I watched porn and browsed reddit because it was an escape from feeling stuck but not having any will to change anything. Just like that, a funk crept its way into my life.

How did I get here? I’m at a time in my life when nothing seems to be working for me. Not my job, not my side project. Not my dating life. My social life is active, that’s great, but my friends and I never really talk about anything *real*. Nothing is quite going my way.

Sure, I have a plan: cut the addiction. That should be my number one priority. It’s lowering my baseline dopamine levels. I think. At least, from what I gather from books/podcasts.

I’m sensitive. I hate cardio. I dread cooking. I need to lean into these things. Don’t overstimulate yourself. Weightlift instead. You can become less fat or more muscular. Either way yields a more fit look. Who cares if there’s a little belly if you’re jacked. I hate cardio but I love weightlifting. I guess I’ll do that instead. I’ll cook, easy meals. Only what I know. My biggest problem is getting groceries. MB Sunday evening. Do it.

Cut the addiction, wean off Prozac. But when you cut the addiction, do it in a way that is sustainable. Not a temporary withdrawal that will inevitably end at which point I’ll slip back into the habits. At least, eventually. I’ve had this problem since 7th grade. I know myself. I need restrictions that are *indefinite*. Blockers on my phone, pin with my sister. No laptop. Desktop computer has no internet access. That’s how I’ll do it. I cannot stress this enough, since I tried this setup already but reverted it since I wasn’t working on my side project on my desktop: **it doesn’t matter whether or not you work on your side project in a setup that helps you break the addiction**. I’d rather not be addicted and not work on the side project at all than have both the addiction and the project. That’s the missing link that I didn’t have before. I felt like time was running out, so I told myself it would be ok to be addicted if it meant I was working more. A textbook Faustian bargain.

So yeah, I feel stuck, but I’m trying to remember that I’m taking my time, going slowly. The life I want is made one brick at a time over many years, not all at once over a few months. I need to set myself up for sustained brick laying.

And I can’t help but wonder what it will feel like once I’ve had a month off of the internet. It’ll feel empty and sad at first. But I like to think eventually I’ll remember how nice everyday life is. I’ll remember how much I want to do things. I’ll become aware of and attuned to my immediate environment.

Part of my melancholy is this feeling of sadness when I think about times in my life when I was really happy. Feeling sad that I’m not there. That I don’t have those things. That I’m older. That I’m not rich. That I don’t have as bustling a social life. Maybe if I didn’t know life could be any different I wouldn’t feel this way.

Ah, but it’s just a feeling. Because I do have it great in life. But it doesn’t feel that way, since I lack the dopamine to appreciate everyday life.

And I lack the dopamine to appreciate a partner. I can’t get into dating because I don’t see the appeal, versus the effort. I resent the effort. I just want the sex.

So I’m trying to lean into all that, namely knowing that I have all these addictive tendencies. And that addiction makes me miserable. And makes it hard to have the things I truly want in life. A partner, enjoyment of everyday things, peace of mind. Not even side project, passion project, ambition, success. Those pale in comparison to the first few things. So I’m trying to lean into the fact that I know all of this.

I’ll end with this: I have no idea what to do with [ex gf] and amidst all this confusion I find it hard to think clearly about it, or to really know how I feel. I thought I couldn’t get into dating because I wasn’t over her. I thought I was feeling lackluster because we broke up.

Sure, that may be true, but I can’t stress this enough: **no amount of rest or time or space will provide clarity when that rest/time/space is cluttered with addictive entertainment**. I can’t move on if I’m addicted. I can’t have clarity in my life if I’m addicted. Addiction brings confusion.

Okay, one last point. I know I’m not alone in all of this. Social media addiction, Reddit, Instagram, TikTok, porn. Kids these days with their smartphones. Laptops. Even if you restricted your phone, your laptop is right there. Nothing stopping you. How many millions of kids feel the same way I do?

To break the addiction you must first want a life without success *and* without addiction more than a life with success and with addiction. If you’re not already convinced the former is better, consider how addiction steals your ability to enjoy life, to be present, to suck the marrow out of life. What’s the point of all the success if you can’t enjoy it? Furthermore, if a life without addiction makes it easy to enjoy things, you don’t really need success anyways. You already have a good life.

I could imagine success comes more easily when one enjoys life and work and can sustain good quality work over a long period of time while thinking clearly about life. Sure. But if those things are implemented with the intention that success comes down the road, those things will sour anyways. It’s a catch 22. Success is dopamine. Dopamine for dopamine is a losing battle. It’s about priorities. Values. And success at the top never works. It doesn’t.