Every car is basically the same. Every job. It’s all the same thing. Every apartment. Every city.

Meaning: the essence of those things, it’s all the same. Life, is really just the same thing. No matter what path you take, they’re all kind of the same. This thing or that.

Each job has the same hassles, the same coworkers, the same kitchen, the same chit chat. The same emails, the same promotions, the same bosses, the same work. The same commute. The same desk, the same monitor. The same code. The same paycheck.

Each car has the same steering wheel. The same gas pedals. The same tires, the same seats, the same radio. The same tank. The same engine. The same dashboard.

Each apartment has the same doors. The same beds, the same walls. The same windows. The same kitchen, the same counters. The same couch. The same TV. The same floors.

All relationships are the same. All girlfriends have the same cuteness. All relationships have the same intimacy. Have the same passion.

All bodies look the same. All bodies are the same naked. All sex is the same.

Each friend has the same interest. The same jokes. The same problems. Does the same things. All friend groups hang the same.

Everyone is the same. Has the same problems, the same insecurities, the same interests. Does the same things. Likes the same things.

***

Here I am, wondering, why do one thing or another? What draws me to this or to that? There was a time, I kept changing things. I kept trying things.

It’s all the same. That’s what I’ve come to find. One thing or another. It’s all the same.

***

Winter always has the same cold. It always has the same darkness. January has the same difficulty.

***

I wonder, if I’m transitioning. Transitioning into the boring adult life that I thought about as a kid. That I thought, well, my parents must like it. My friends’ parents. Their lives seems so boring. They don’t go anywhere. They don’t have many friends. They’re not really changing anything. They must like it, if that’s what they’re doing. They must like living like that.

And well, yeah, I get it. Maybe this is the feeling of that transition. That no matter what I keep chasing, it’s all the same. I don’t really need one thing or another, just something. Call me apathetic. I don’t know.

***

I can’t shake the feeling of being lost. Without direction. It’s like, my compass directed a certain way over the years, then slowly became more erratic, then stopped altogether. No sense of direction, no trust in my guides up until now. Who do I ask, that would have anything meaningful to tell me? Who would tell me what to do? Why is it that the first time it occurred to me to ask that question, I don’t have an answer?

No disrespect to my parents, but they clearly don’t have the answers. My teachers, definitely not. My bosses, ha! Nope. My friends are just as lost as me. The same goes for my siblings, I think. I’m pretty sure. My (ex) religious authorities would just try to get me to be religious again. Where’s the old dude at the top of a mountain I can visit?

Maybe I’m asking the wrong question? I know what I want to do, I just haven’t done it yet. Who cares how I feel. It doesn’t matter if I feel lost. This feeling, it’s the same. It’s always there, lingering after I’ve gotten something I’ve strived for. The feeling of life inertia. I’ve been moving, changing, fixing, rebuilding, and now that I stopped, my soul has motion sickness. It expected to keep going. But it didn’t.

***

Every new passion, new project, new hobby, new interest. It’s all the same. The feeling, of latching myself onto an idea. Chewing on it. Working on it, bit by bit. Every time, it’s the same.