I stepped outside. They don’t own me. It’s just a job. The wind still blows and the sun still shines. It’s cliche but it’s true.

I’m caught between thinking I’m too good for grunt work, and doubting that I’ll ever do anything substantial. I guess it doesn’t really matter if I do or not. My problem is that if I won’t do anything of substance then I might as well do grunt work. If I will, then why bother doing grunt work.

I better get comfortable forcing myself to do grunt work. Until I know for sure. I tried the risky route. I’m taking a slightly less risky route. Whatever.

Too much time in my apartment and I get antsy. Too much time in my car during good weather and my soul dies. Not to be too dramatic. When work gets stressful I need to work in person, else I shut down. Gotta love grunt work.

I want to say there’s something so un-dignifying about modern work. Like, my mind doesn’t have the freedom to think about real things. Like a dog in a cage that just wants to run in a park. It feels wrong.

But, I suppose there’s something higher than that. A part of ourselves that needs humility, that will encounter humbling scenarios one way or another. If nothing else we’re constrained by the laws of physics. Is brushing my teeth undignifying? Is moving my body through space undignifying? Maybe it’s ok if I don’t have complete freedom all the time. If work feels like a prison at least they let me out at 5pm. I don’t know. That sounds terrible. All I know is that it’s a sweet feeling whenever I get that freedom. For now maybe all I’ll make sure is that I get it sometimes, if I can’t figure out how to get it all the time, at least not now.

***

The long game. That’s the only way I can do good work. I need to sit with it. Not hide, not avoid. I need to sit. And iterate, and judge, and reevaluate. It takes time. And if I rush it it ends up being bad. These things have a fixed lower bound of time required.

I read a quote, it said the biggest risk in life is not taking one. I wish I had the data to show that that’s true. So far none of my risks really played out. Only time will tell. But it would be nice to have reassurance for the time being. On the other hand, if I had reassurance would it really be a risk?