Yeah, I’d give a lot to be with someone like her. And you know, if we both wanted to make it work, we could totally make it work. It was possible to overcome all of our problems. But we would need to both show up. We would need to put in effort. We would need to both want to be together. We could do it. We could do all of the relationship things that we did, all the couple things.

But I’m not convinced that she would want to. For whatever reason. Anxiety, worry, etc. She wasn’t able to entertain the thought that I changed. I changed for her. But she was worried it was temporary.

And I know it was her. Because I showed up. I changed. I was willing to make it happen. And if only she wanted to, we could’ve been together. But she didn’t. Even if she were to tell me now, that she wants to be together, I wouldn’t believe her. Because she had ten months to feel that way.

But like I said, I would give so much to be with someone like her. So I’ll settle for the next best thing. Someone like her. Someone with all the qualities that I adored in her. If I can’t have her, at least I can search for the next best thing. C’est la vie.

C’est la vie. At least I still have sunny days, and sandwiches, and the beach, and Saturdays.

C’est la vie. Sometimes life just hurts. Sometimes life hurts a lot. Sometimes it’s really sad. And I suppose that’s ok. I don’t know why, but I suppose it’s ok that it’s really sad sometimes.

And admittedly I’ve been feeling the same feelings that I do when I’m depressed. But I think maybe I won’t be so hard on myself for feeling this way. I’ve been a bit more of a vegetable. Sleeping in, staying up late, watching tv, a bit more dopaminergic/seeing out dopamine more than usual, lazy, neglecting chores, eating more candy than usual.

But I think I have to be ok with feeling that way, not chastise myself for these actions, allow myself to be kind of depressed for a little bit, for two reasons: 1) it is of utmost importance that I allow myself to feel my feelings, in order to let them flow through my and eventually out of me, and 2) being hard on myself for feeling this way/being like this make it harder to move o, because it introduces more negative feelings into the mix, which won’t go away as long as I feel this way. It’s like devils snare - you need to let it happen to get out of it, you need to let go for it to let go of you. And just like devils snare, once you let go it still takes time for it to pass, but if you resist (ie be down on yourself ) then you won’t get out of it.

And you know what, yeah I was a bit radicalized by my dad. I didn’t draw a great hand in the wholesome childhood lottery. But I’m not going to be hard on myself for being how I was. That was more a product of my dad and my childhood more than anything else. I grew out of it and it took some time, but that’s ok. Her problem was that she thought it was the end of the world that I was like that. She thought I couldn’t change. And she didn’t cut me some slack given my childhood. She won the wholesome lottery and couldn’t quite see where I was coming from. She wanted me to have won the lottery myself, forgetting that people can change and grow and it can take time.

But I’m glad we dated, for the roughly two years. She helped me grow as a person. I think that’s one reason why I was drawn to her. She had qualities that I wanted in myself. She helped me grow, sometimes unintentionally. The other reason why I’m glad we dated was because she showed me what I truly want in life. I was a bit lost, chasing success and material pursuits and intellectual pursuits, but none of that stuff came close to what it was like to be with her. To spend the days together, to share a life together, at least for a little bit. If I can’t have her at least I know what I want now, at least I have clarity in my life, and that alone is good.