I have a real envy problem. It hit hard today when I went to a wealthy man’s home out in the burbs. I envied his nice house, his lawn, his pool, his trees, the design of his house. Him owning a home. His neighborhood. It was a sunny day.

I don’t know what to do about all this envy. It hit hard and really ruined my day. I thought I was past all that. Not just towards him, I get sad when I see people with so much. Not because I think they should have so much, but because I want it too. There’s no humility here.

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I’m getting to a point where I only do things because I want to, because I love the, not because I feel like I have to. Confused mimesis.

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It also shows up when I think about my peers in college working in finance or big tech or whatever money making machines, getting promoted and making a ton of money since we graduated. I hate it. I hate how much envy I feel, and I hate that I don’t have what they have.

I want someone who has it all to tell me how boring it all is, that even with a fancy house and car and happy family and nice neighborhood I’ll still get bored because I’ll get used to my life, and I’ll still have the same things top of mind that I do now, namely my projects, because we get used to things and the novelty fades and it doesn’t really matter one way or another.

I want someone who has it all to tell me that because I don’t believe myself, because I forget that I’ve learned the same lesson with where I currently am in life, because I so deeply want that stuff.

I thought I was on a happy streak. Maybe I latch onto desires when I’m feeling stressed. I’ve been stressed. It just doesn’t feel like it used to, it feels more calm, I think because of the meds I’m on, but it’s still there. And of course I’d need an outlet. Notionally I wouldn’t be so stressed because I don’t care that much about work. But caring just kind of seeps into my life. It’s a bad habit I have to kick. When I don’t have the authority to make decisions I shouldn’t have the responsibility to fix things when those decisions backfire. Not my problem. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t do anything about it. So when shit hits the fan I’m not to blame and I don’t want it impacting my personal life.

I know that feeling all too well. Latching onto some desire because of some underlying tension that hasn’t been relieved. Thinking it’ll relieve me only for it to be fake relief that throws me even more into the desire itself. If I’m not happy, the answer lies within. First be happy, then do things. I’ve been forgetting that. It’s too easy to forget. It’s too easy to get distracted. All the shit of life drains my mental energy. Weighs down my soul. Need a reset. Need to let go of all that. Need to get back in the groove.