Not enough energy to assemble coherent thoughts

Writing will be fragmented

Entertaining the idea that I might be b

Connecting the dots

Kindergarten wanting to be the best, strong desire to read the most, score the most goals, finish math first

Third grade wanted to be the best in spelling

B one aspect is stronger either release or feeling of dopamine

Explains heightened sensitivity

Explains strong intuition and understanding people

Sensitive, finding patterns

Burn strong, burn fast, burn out

Creative. Having bursts of creativity, resulting art is very good.

High dopamine in mania (not in b), antipsychotics block it

Great at short term performance, test taking, interviewing. Requires high dopamine. Yields high cortisol. Tests felt like getting high. Probably similar to what cocaine feels like.

Bad at long term work. High dopamine comes with feeling bored by normal work. High dopamine followed by crash. Bad at sticking with projects. Bad at enjoying normal life, day to day, always need to work towards something. Always need to keep achieving. Discouraged when achievements don’t fulfill. Depression when don’t have anything to work towards. When daily life isn’t good enough.

Science-speculating here. High cortisol blocks feel good chemicals like serotonin or endorphins? High cortisol because feel stronger, feel more cortisol. Baseline operation is stress, not feel good. Dopamine gets us out of that. Seek dopamine. Also get clingy with people because we seek serotonin from their presence. When baseline doesn’t feel good, life is disrupted entirely. Starts a cycle of abnormal behavior. Cyclical because one abnormal behavior leads to another.

Easily addicted. Job hopping. Not satisfied by any work. Ultimately getting demotivated at work at every job. Good at short term, bad at long term.

Constantly picking up new hobbies. Buying electronics and returning them. Constantly moving onto the next hobby. Getting bored of hobbies/activities/friends. Dopamine. Dopamine feels stronger but crash always comes. Baseline not stable. Always need something extra.

SXRIs made me feel wired/tired. Gabapentin helped with anxiety. Felt ok for a time but not totally right.

Charming/animated/sociable. Stronger emotions. Draws people in. Especially sensitive types.

Not just depression. More to the story.

Not comfortable in big city - too much stimulation. Wanting some place more residential.

Side projects. Small low impact projects didn’t mean anything to me. Impact too low to be worth it. Only pursued grandiose projects because that’s the only thing that would make me feel better.

***

Why bother doing anything? It’s good for people to have purpose. To have things to do. To fill their cup with whatever. Why bother making people more productive, making software better, automating labor, making robots, whatever. People need things to do, but they also need money to life their lives comfortably. If they had infinite time to pursue their hobbies, passions, would that really make them happy? Eh. Who cares.

***

Wearable because I knew deep down something wasn’t right. Like I’m living with a weight attached to my brain. Thought at least I’d get data.

Read the dsm for the same reasons.

Threw myself in religion because it provided continual relief like nothing else did. Needed to latch myself onto something. Something grand. Things clicked. But didn’t fix me. Only provided relief, as long as I bought into it. Like a willed self-brainwashing.

Love/hate with coffee. Increases dopamine and energy but also increases anxiety.

Anxiety makes it so hard to do every day work. Not enough dopamine to counteract the stress of doing everyday tasks.

Polish curse: don’t want to do what I don’t want to do. Great at doing what I’m passionate about. Not great at doing what I’m not passionate about. All just dopamine, likely b.

Continuous singing throughout the day. Need continuous relief from perpetual low grad ever present stress.

Took a low stress job that I didn’t care that much about so I could spend more time on music and side projects. Excelled at job because I didn’t really care about it, anxiety didn’t get in the way. Needed time for music because it provided relief working from home.