Can I blame him for being so focused on success. He has a lot of dopamine in his system.

Can I blame her for being toxic. She was abused as a kid.

Can I blame myself for being moody.

***

The ultra short version of my life in mental health terms:

Since I was a kid I had this sense that life will only be OK if I achieved. Again and again. And that built up tension that needed to be constantly released. Even so, it was fairly constant because releases were short lived. So always scheming. Always going for the next thing that will make me happy.

Because I had an unhealthy view of life and success and happiness and how to live a whole life, I sought refuge in unhealthy habits, other people, things, activities. To relieve tension that was ever-present. The real solution was to let go of that feeling that I needed something to be happy. That I was incomplete unless I got something.

I see how easy it is to fall into that trap. Recently, immediately once I wrote a few songs I was pleased with, I immediately started thinking to myself, oh what if I make it big as a musician, what if I become famous, etc. I wrote music because writing music was fun and made me come alive. But that hobby immediately soured the second I started dreaming.

Same goes for my other hobby. It’s too easy to think about what would happen if I get it right. But that whole line of thinking missed the whole point: this project is a love letter to all I learned in college. I do it because I love thinking about these hard problems. The second it becomes more than that, the second it serves some greater desire for something else, is the second pressure and negative energy feed it and ruin the process. The process is ruined because it’s no longer fun. It no longer makes me come alive.

So. I need to stop telling people I’m doing all of this stuff. I’m just me working a job and that’s it. The second I’m like hey I’m doing this thing, the second it makes it sound like I’m trying to make it more than it is. Let me show them the results but never tell them about the process.

Another point. It’s very clear to me that I’m prone to depression. If I don’t do certain things. There was a time where sought relief from the tension in my life by thinking about the outcomes, thinking about how great it would be if it worked. Which put more pressure on myself. And introduced more tension. And I squeezed out my normal life. And I became depressed. Because I didn’t do anything.